Beware of Novice Writers Packing Heat

I made sure that no research sources were harmed in the making of my first book. The humor genre has no actual formula and comes with no rulebook. I could sit in my underwear and write down random thoughts that roughly fit into a random theme. That’s what attracted me to it in the first place. I figured that since my short-term memory … I forget what I was going to say.

I was terrified of writing a novel in which there would be characters, plot, a timeline, and locations. Even more daunting was the thought of having to do research, but I was ready to do the most difficult and convoluted job I could think of. Since making my life easier was not in the cards, I decided to write a comic murder mystery.

What I realized early on was that I would have to unravel mysteries the same as my characters. I chose to take a hands-on approach, while dragging my best friend—kicking and screaming—along for the ride. I had my two middle aged main characters: Thelma and Louise on estrogen. I had two middle aged real life guinea pigs. What could go wrong?

We could forget our barn boots while wading through Scape Ore swamp looking for an eight-foot lizard man. My friend was not too disappointed when we were unable to join twenty juvenile delinquents for a scared straight tour of the county morgue. The medical examiner was kind enough to answer all my questions over the phone, but as a mystery writer, I believe that I should bring as much reality to my story as possible. I owe it to my newfound craft and hypothetical readers.

I’ll need to clean a .22 caliber rifle for our trip to the gun range. In my last experience with a revolver, I came within centimeters of blowing my big toe off. In consideration of my osteoporosis, I need a gun without a kick. In consideration of the integrity of all my body parts and those of the people around us, I’ll stick with a rifle rather than a handgun.

I need more time to hone my lock picking skills, and will defer putting into practice my knowledge of cutting brake lines. I’ve bought my geological survey map of South Carolina to see what gems and minerals are to be found. Unfortunately, half of the state is made up of clay. It makes my new rock pick seem a little superfluous.

No matter what else happens, I’ll always have the Charleston nighttime Ghost Tour. I don’t think it will launch me into a career in paranormal investigation, but I have to say that it’s not what I expected when I was moping about having to do research.

I don’t know if other writers go to great lengths to live out their stories, but I can’t think of a better way to help readers step into another world. If you have suggestions for a boring way to write fiction, keep them to yourself.